The Edge Arvo’s Steph Monks bravely opened up about her experience of living with obsessive-compulsive disorder to help shed light on the issue during OCD awareness week. 

Steph, who was diagnosed with the condition at the age of 22, said she wanted to share the poem as it's a condition that is not widely understood or “talked about enough”. 

“I always find it quite tricky to articulate my experience with it, so I’ve written a poem and it rhymes,” Steph explains. 

Steph’s poem

There’s a voice in my mind I never invite,

It’s there in the day, and it’s there in the night.

It makes me worry bout things I might do,

Or things I may have done, though I know they’re not true.

It’s not just a thought - it’s a war in my brain,

A cycle of panic, confusion, and shame.

It shows me an image, or a terrible scene,

Then loops it again and again and again.

The thoughts are scary, awful, and horrible,

The thoughts go against all of my morals,

The thoughts make me worry; they feel so real,

And the more that I worry, the more the thoughts steal. 

I question myself - “Could this truly be me?”

The thoughts won’t stop; they won’t let me be.

A thousand ‘what-ifs’, all screaming with doubt,

“It must be true if it’s what I’m worried about”

The checking begins, spinning around in my head,

I try to reason it out, to un-see what I dread.

I replay the moment, then rewind again,

Caught in a loop I can’t seem to end.

Work, music, movies - I can’t pay attention

Coz every few seconds the thoughts creep in,

Talking to people becomes so hard,

I try to ignore the thoughts that bombard. 

I seem alright from the outside,

But inside, the worries quietly collide.

No one would guess, no one would know

That I’m trapped in a mind that won’t leave me alone.

If you can relate, you might have OCD -

There’s help, there’s support, and take it from me,

Therapy works - and meds do too,

You don’t have to suffer with what you’ve been through.

This illness is vicious, it lies and it tricks,

But I’m proof that after therapy, the thoughts no longer stick,

The loops and the worries, they will come to an end.

Your mind will be free, your mind will mend.

Speak to your GP, they will give you a name

Of a therapist that can help you, coz I did the same.

OCD lies - it doesn’t define you,

There’s life beyond fear, I promise that’s true.

And for others, remember to not say ‘I’m so OCD’ 

When describing yourself as neat and tidy.

It’s not just a ‘quirk’ or a passion to clean.

Let's spread more awareness of what OCD actually means.

Many people took the comment section to express their admiration for Steph being brave enough to open up about such a taboo topic.

One person wrote: “Wow, this has made me rethink about making OCD comments with cleaning etc. Moving forward, I will think twice.” 

“Because of this poem, I will be going to the GP because this resonates sooooo much with me,” another said.

A third added: “THIS is what de-stigmatisation looks like. Thank you for being a voice for us all.

Steph believes that ERP (exposure and response prevention) and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) helped her get back on the right track and that she is in a better place now because of the help she sought.

Need help, or just wanna talk to someone?

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP).

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO).

Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202 (to talk to a trained counsellor about how you are feeling or to ask any questions).

Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat.