Society has long asked: What makes someone a douchebag? Is it an attitude? A hairstyle? A specific number of Monster Energy drinks consumed per day?

A bold investigative report (a Reddit comment section) into which leisure activities attract the highest concentration of human peacocks is gaining some epic internet attention. 

Scientists, or at least a guy who goes by the-tinman on the AskReddit subreddit, have determined that the real answer lies in a person’s hobbies. So I’ve bravely set out to rank six common pastimes by their magnetic pull on certified douchebags.

# 1 - Anyone Who Owns a Speedboat

If there’s a pastime that screams “My personality is… ‘LOUD!’ …it’s speedboats. I fear that the official motto of this hobby is: ‘Do you even wakeboard, bro?’ These guys spend 90% of their time bragging, and the other 10% shouting ‘HOLD MY BEER!’ before accidentally launching themselves into the lake. Sit down. 

Douche Dial = 4/5

# 2 - People Who Do MMA

Now look, some of them are really nice to look at, but there are two types of MMA hobbyists in my opinion, the actually talented fighters (um, rare), and Kyle, who once took a free trial class and now threatens to “rear-naked choke” the bouncer at Hoppers.

They show up everywhere wearing fingerless gloves because, apparently, their hands are athletes too.

Douche Dial = 4.5/5

# 3 - People who play the guitar

This one sorta hurt to write, but I get it. 

To be clear, the guitar itself is innocent. The problem is the “anyway… here’s ‘Wonderwall’ guy at kick-ons. One strum and suddenly he’s a tortured, misunderstood poet. 

Bonus douche points if he brings his guitar to a party uninvited, calls it his “axe”, and my personal favourite, serenades someone who is very clearly trying to leave (speaking from personal experience). 

Douche Dial = 2.9/5

# 4 - Magicians

Honestly? Most magicians ARE lovely, awkward humans. If you’ve seen ‘Modern Family’, then you know Phil Dunphy is the actual GOAT. 

But then there’s the guy who thinks every card trick is a personality. Pulled a rabbit out of a hat? Cool. They will absolutely say ‘pick a card’ at a funeral. 

Magicians live in this curious space in society, part entertainer, part ‘please make him stop.’

Douche Dial = 3/5

#5 - Recreational Poker Players

They treat a $20 buy-in game like the ‘World Series of Poker’ and will spend three hours explaining bluffing strategy while losing every hand.

They are probably rolling up wearing mirrored sunglasses… in a garage… at night.  Also, they love saying, ‘It’s not gambling if you’re good'. (They are not good.)

Douche Dial = 4.5/5

# 6 - Bird Watchers

Least douchebag hobby on the list, unless you're the actual bird. I f***king hate birds, but that's a different story. 

These people correct your pronunciation of “kākā” and mansplain the migration patterns of literally anything. They’re most likely found screaming, ‘THAT’S A RARE WARBLER’, and scaring said warbler away.

They’re not trying to show off. They’re just… really excited about animals that look like flying golf balls.

Douche Dial = 2.8/5

If you read this and realise you’re either one of these people or dating one, let me distract you with an Uno reverse. Another Reddit account countered, asking, ‘Hey, what about the hobbies that make you a kind person?” So I’ve collected the data, let's make some honourable mentions for the green flag finalists. 

# 1 - Potterers

#2 - Cross Stitching Heroes

# 3 - Bee Keepers

#4 - Metal Heads

# 5- LEGO Enthusiasts

# 6 - The Hiking Community

Now, before you bring the pitchforks out or start slapping your knees like a rarked up MMA fighter, remember, this is all in good fun, it's from a Reddit post. 

Do whatever hobby you want!  Just try not to be a douche in the process.